It’s been 155 days since I saw you and it’s hard writing this letter knowing you may never see it, knowing you may never acknowledge it. Writing doesn’t come easy for me and I tried so many times to call you, to see you, to make you understand that you are the one I always loved.
You see, efforts can’t always be appreciated especially if we acknowledge the existence of the two sides of a pole or maybe the relevance of the two sides of a pole. You and I were two touching sides of our love pole. While you were north, I was south and the beauty we shared came from what I thought was a compromise or complementary that we initially had.
Partner, do you remember our first hug? We held each other’s bodies for so long that time became irrelevant. It was hard to let go so we stood to enjoy the comfort our arms offered that you cried. It was sweet, touching and ….. everything. I didn’t admit it then, but I was certain I wanted to hug you for the rest of my life.
How about our first kiss? God! I was so shy. I didn’t think that was when or how I wanted it to be. I wasn’t sure I knew what plans I had towards that moment. And I have never kissed a man as I kissed you. What’s crazy is how we liked to kiss each other frequently.
It became a ritual that I miss a lot. You know, every time we kissed we said words we didn’t want the world to know. Words between us that showed the depth of our love.
Sugarplum, I sit and think of all the promises between us. One of them is you promising never to change. Do you remember?
You cursed the word “change” and swore like Peter that you could never be unrecognisable. Darling, you said if you ever looked or acted differently, it would mean you were trolling me.
Isn’t it insane how you have done more than troll me? Like Peter who denied the Christ, you changed so much I wonder if I ever knew you. The hell, you wonder if you knew me too. I recall you asked me once and Sweet Pea, I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it was for me.
Partner, there is too much to say and you know I never knew to write. People say never look back, focus on what’s ahead and move the hell on, then I ask if they ever had a box called memories.
Some others say men change, make no expectations, I still ask, do we fight with words alone and lose honour in the face of love?
Partner, I’m doing okay some of the time. I left our city hoping it would heal the wounds you left behind. I met a few persons but they could never be you. I’m scared to trust again. Scared to love another. I miss talking to you. God! There is so much that happens but there is no you to talk to. Sweet pea, I thought of getting a stuffed bear. Could it be as adorable as you? I don’t know and maybe not willing to find out. I may write to you again. This time to talk about the things you missed out on.
Have you heard that I started a rose plant? Someday I will run up the cliff and hope I can find you there. I hope you still remember our safe word? (Laughs). I still hope to visit those places we wanted to. Maybe, I may find the courage to and hopefully, write to you about them. Or maybe not.
I hope you are okay. I heard you found someone. I hope she makes you happy. I hope when you look at her, she is everything you gave me up for.
You are the one I always loved.
PS: Do you wonder why I still call you partner? I still think we could find us. I’m hoping somehow you feel the same.